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Escalating arguments

Couples often find themselves struggling to communicate constructively about even seemingly trivial issues; every disagreement seems to escalate into a major argument.

Couples often report feelings of shame; things are routinely escalating to the point we're saying or doing things we're not proud of.

Although it can be confronting to face these issues, they're incredibly common. Most of us have unhelpful communication habits we've learned through our upbringing and various intimate relationships.

When our nervous system enters 'fight or flight' mode, our brains become focused on protecting ourselves, and we tend to respond in ways which unwittingly exacerbate rather than defuse the situation.

Counselling can help you identify these patterns and unhelpful responses, and replace them with more effective ones.

Fatigue and burnout

By the time couples reach out to a counsellor, they are often psychologically and emotionally exhausted. They've been enduring the same conflict patterns for a long time, with very little positive change. They have a rich history together, and don't want to lose one another, but also don't know how to keep going if things continue they way they are now.

Counselling can lift some of the pressure by giving you a clear strategy; you may not have a solution for every issue overnight, but you've taken back some control by making a clear commitment to doing something about them.

Initial strategies often focus on rebuilding connection, and replenishing psychological and emotional energy reserves, so that we have the capacity to work through the more difficult issues together.

'Nagging' issues

'Nagging' is a negatively loaded term for repeatedly expressing a need or dissatisfaction.

While one partner complains of feeling constantly 'nagged' or picked at, the other complains of being responsible for an unfair share of practical and organisational tasks. They don't want to be 'hassling' their partner, but feel as though they can't rely on their partner to get things done independently.

The 'nagged' partner often feels they can't do anything right, and their contributions are not appreciated, while the other feels trapped in the role of household organiser; they don't enjoy repeating themselves, but feel lost in terms of how to get more help from their partner.

These cycles can arise when partners have differing views in terms of roles, what's important, and the distribution of household responsibilities. Ineffective communication patterns can lead to repetitive cycles of conflict surrounding unmet needs and differing expectations.

Counselling creates a space for honest and productive discussions around each partner's needs and priorities. Together we can negotiate mutually satisfying roles and shared expectations which eliminate the need for the 'nagger' role which neither partner enjoys.

Empathy burnout

When we don't feel our partner really listens to or understands us, it can be extremely difficult to find the motivation to listen to them, or to empathise with their position.

This is understandable, but unfortunately leads to cyclical patterns of conflict. It's clear you don't understand my position; you argue with me or tell me I'm wrong in a way that shows you don't understand. Therefore, instead of acknowledging your position, I 'double down' on my own, which further convinces you I don't understand where you're coming from either.

During counselling, we'll explore new ways of communicating which serve to defuse rather than escalate emotions and defence mechanisms. This makes it easier for your partner to genuinely hear and consider your perspective.

We'll also look at communicating empathy without necessarily agreeing with or condoning their point of view.

Circular argument cycles

Many couples find themselves trapped in endless conflict loops. Every disagreement tends to find it's way back to the same old argument about the same old issues. The argument escalates, we say things we regret, we apologise and move on, but nothing was actually resolved so we're having the exact same argument again in two days or two weeks.

Together we'll identify the root causes of these cycles. Are there unmet needs leading to persistent dissatisfaction? Are there unresolved differing expectations and priorities? Are unhelpful conflict and communication approaches preventing productive discussions and problem-solving? Are we focusing too heavily on assigning blame rather than finding solutions to meet needs? Are we struggling to stick to agreements?

'Housemate syndrome'

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Walking on eggshells

Placating and avoiding

Sometimes our brains find ways to escape conflict which work really well in the moment, but not so well in the long-term.

Placating means that we verbally agree with our partner, even though we don't really agree with them, so that we can escape an uncomfortable conversation. For example, we might say "OK sorry, I'll help clean the kitchen more often", even though we don't actually feel we should have to do this.

It gets us out of the argument in the moment, but ultimately just postpones the conflict, which is bound to arise again because our partner is still unhappy.

Counselling encourages couples to have honest discussions about differing needs and expectations so that we can find an agreement we're both happy with as quickly as possible.

All The Tools You Need To Build A Successful Online Business

Escalating arguments

Fatigue and burnout

'Nagging' issues

Empathy burnout

Circular argument cycles

'Housemate syndrome'

Walking on eggshells

Placating and avoiding

Unhelpful, reflexive response habits

Emotional triggers

Adversarial communication approaches

Placating and avoiding

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