Helping you rebuild trust one step at a time
After pre-existing trust issues
- When our previous experiences have taught our brains that it's dangerous to trust others, it can interfere with our current relationships
- We may expect the worst from people and relationships
- Previous betrayals may leave us with low self-esteem, and a need for continual reassurance
- Sometimes it can lead to unhealthy ways of seeking reassurance from our partner
- If your partner has trust issues, it can be difficult to know how to cope; we want to provide care and reassurance, but it can also be difficult to know where we should assert boundaries
- Strategies for building trust should meet the needs of both partners;
- They should provide a safe and supportive environment for partners to build trust
- They should also ensure the other partner's needs and boundaries are respected
After infidelity
- Couples who have experienced infidelity may question whether it's possible to come back from
- When our partner has been unfaithful, it can lead to persistent anxiety, obsessive worry, and severe self-esteem issues
- Issues with self-esteem, low-mood, and ongoing conflict and resentment can make physical and emotional intimacy difficult
- For the partner who has been unfaithful, it can be difficult to know where to start in terms of rebuilding trust
- It can be a long a frustrating process; you may know you won't make the same mistake again, but your partner doesn't, so the process can feel overwhelming and claustrophobic
- It can be difficult to know whether our approach to transparency and rebuilding trust is healthy/necessary, or toxic and unhelpful
After broken promises
- When our partner consistently fails to follow through with promises (whether it's about picking the kids up on time, sticking to a budget, or behaving respectfully), our trust is whittled away over time
- We feel like we can't rely on our partner
- When they tell us they'll do something, we no longer expect them to follow through
- We're tired of hearing excuses and empty apologies
- Rebuilding trust requires us to identify why the breaches in trust are occurring, as well as solutions which meet the needs of both partners
What's involved in rebuilding trust?
Rebuilding trust is about reassuring the brain that the danger has passed, and it's OK to relax. This usually involves repeated instances where the person becomes afraid, and is shown the fear was unnecessary.
If a person had become irrationally afraid of dogs, for example, we might repeatedly introduce them to dogs in safe situations. They would feel afraid, then realise there is nothing to worry about when the dog does not harm them. Developing trust for people is similar, but much more complex.
The steps involved vary depending on the couple, as well as the cause/s of the distrust, but may involve:
- Our partner consistently demonstrating honesty over an extended period of time
- Finding ways to provide reassurance to one partner, which do not violate the needs or rights of the other
- Addressing anxiety and panic reactions often present after breaches of trust
- Addressing any self-esteem issues caused by previous breaches in trust
- Finding respectful ways to communicate about the consequences of broken trust
- Finding respectful ways to communicate the needs and expectations of both partners
- Exploring any differences in expectations or boundaries
- Creating tentative timelines for trust goals (certain strategies for rebuilding trust are healthy only as temporary measures)
- Allowing partners time and space to heal
- Demonstrating a commitment to rebuilding trust
- Ensuring both partners are genuinely prepared for the time and effort involved in rebuilding trust
- Learning to demonstrate empathy and patience rather than frustration when our partner seeks reassurance
- Learning to manage our emotions in a more helpful way when feelings of distrust arise
I'm here to support both of you through the process.
Early benefits of counselling for trust issues:
While trust issues can take a long time to work through, couples often report the following benefits even early on:
- A sense of reassurance for both partners: engaging in counselling together demonstrates commitment to building trust, and ensures the strategies you engage to do so are healthy, and respect the needs of both partners
- An opportunity to talk about the issue openly and productively, in a non-judgemental space, without being pulled off track by usual argument cycle
- A sense of empowerment in taking the first step: we may not have solutions to every problem yet, but we've taken back control of the situation through taking action
- A sense that we are back on the same team: there may be a lot we disagree on, but we agree the current approach to building trust isn't working for either of us, and we're ready to tackle things together
- A decrease in pressure and anxiety: often we put off thinking about or discussing these issues because it's really stressful and we honestly don't know where to start. However, avoiding these issues just pushes the stress into the background. It's always there, and it keeps building. Taking the first step toward change can be confronting, but it can also provide a sense of relief
