Productive Communication
Productive communication is, at it's core, about making conscious communication decisions. Many of our ineffective communication responses come from reflexive or habitual reactions we execute fairly automatically. Often we are unknowingly contributing to our partner becoming more defensive and less willing to listen to what we have to say.
Neuropsychology
When we understand more about the way the human brain typically responds to particular communication responses, it becomes easier to understand the components contributing to conflict, and to select responses which will de-escalate conflict rather than exacerbating it. I emphasise the importance of teaching people why particular strategies tend to be more or less effective.
Emotional Management
I tend to place a strong emphasis on managing emotions for two primary reasons. Firstly, we know that when emotions are high, it is difficult to access the parts of the brain required to engage in logical reasoning, productive communication, and consideration of long-term goals. Secondly, we know different emotions influence the way we attend to and interpret information, and the stronger our emotions, the more distorted our interpretation becomes. In addition, our own emotions tend to trigger emotional responses in our partner's brain, leading to negative feedback loops and conflict.
Intellectual empathy
Also referred to as strategic empathy, intellectual empathy is the ability to understand and account for someone else's perspective when problem-solving or working toward a goal. Our brains tend to react defensively when our opinions are challenged, and when we feel as though our position is not understood we generally feel less willing to consider our partner's position. Utilising intellectual empathy to gather information about our partner's needs, opinions, and motivations before attempting to push our own agenda decreases levels of defensiveness and increases openness to opposing views.
Solution-focused practice
Often when we disagree, we get caught up in assigning blame and criticism, which doesn't really help in terms of resolving the issue. Often the one thing we can agree on, is that we're tired of arguing and have better things to do with our time. Productive communication encourages adopting a cooperative, solution-focused approach, where we take an "us against the issue" rather than a "me against you" approach. The goal is to find a resolution as quickly as possible, so we can get back to just enjoying life together.
Needs-focused practice
At the end of the day, if the needs of one or both partners are not being met within a relationship, conflict will continue to arise. It can be difficult to be honest about our needs at times, and difficult to accept when our partner's needs are different to our own. Productive communication encourages couples to work with their partner's actual needs, rather than what they think their partners wants and needs should be. Finding a solution that will work in the long term requires making decisions about our preferences versus non-negotiables, and balancing the needs of each person with the needs of the relationship.
