When couples present for counselling, they are often emotionally and psychologically fatigued or exhausted.
- They've been struggling for so long they are psychologically and emotionally exhausted
- They are suffering from empathy burnout; it's hard to listen because they feel like they've heard it all before but nothing is changing
- They feel as though they have nothing left to give
- They worry about the toll the relationship is taking on their mental health
- They feel overwhelmed by how much there is to do, and feel as though they have no time for themselves
- They spend most of their time focused on heavy or stressful issues, or daily 'to dos'
- They miss the way things used to be, when they truly enjoyed one another's company
- Physical intimacy might be rare or non-existent when there is high levels of fatigue, tension, and resentment
- There are very few positive or enjoyable interactions with each other these days
- When they think about their partner or relationship, they feel anxious, tired, frustrated or resentful
Things absolutely can get better.
It can be difficult to work through difficult issues together when the emotional and psychological 'tank' is almost empty
Every relationship has a 'fuel tank', or a certain amount of psychological and emotional energy available. We create fuel when we engage in things which add positive emotion, trust, or connection:
- Laughing and having fun together
- Sharing mutually enjoyable activities
- Dates and quality time together (where we aren't worrying about work, home, or parental responsibilities or relationship dramas)
- Quality individual downtime
- Reflecting on positive memories
- Forming new positive memories
- Interactions which make us feel connected as a couple
- Showing and receiving affection in a way that speaks to us
- Sharing common goals and interests
- Having things to look forward to together
Some tasks within our relationship use up some of this fuel:
- Daily and weekly 'to do' lists
- Working through disagreements
- Providing emotional support
- Breaches of trust
- Problem-solving
- Conflict
- Managing a household, going to work, parenting, organising
- Caring for others
In order for relationships to survive and thrive, we need to ensure we are replenishing these energy reserves at the same (or a faster) rate than we are depleting them.
For counselling to be effective, we need to take these energy reserves into account
Whilst it's important to work on communication, and other issues you make be struggling with, it's crucial we also relieve some of the emotional and psychological pressure as soon as possible, so that both of you have the motivation and capacity to work through the difficult issues.
Every couple is different, but some of the things we might consider together are:
- Relieving time pressures and making space for downtime both as individuals and couples
- Negotiating expectations and roles so that both partners have equal access to downtime
- Relationship building strategies aimed at rebuilding connection, empathy, and positive regard
- Ensuring there is space away from issues, disagreements and to-do lists
- Ensuring self-care is happening for both partners
- Balancing the communication of boundaries, needs, and dissatisfaction with exploration of why we love and care for one another
Early benefits of counselling:
Whilst it's unrealistic to think we can solve all of our issues in just a couple of sessions, couples often report the following benefits even early on:
- A sense of empowerment in taking the first step: we may not have solutions to every problem yet, but we've taken back control of the situation through taking action
- A sense of reassurance: engaging in counselling together demonstrates commitment to the relationship and a willingness to put in the effort
- A sense that we are back on the same team: there may be a lot we disagree on, but we agree the current approach isn't working for either of us, and we need to do something about it
- A decrease in pressure and anxiety: often we put off thinking about or discussing these issues because it's really stressful and we honestly don't know where to start. However, avoiding these issues just pushes the stress into the background. It's always there, and it keeps building. Taking the first step toward change can be scary, but it can also provide a sense of relief and control
