What on Earth is 'Productive Conflict', and why should I try it?

Although there are clear exceptions to the rule (conflict which encompasses physical or emotional abuse, for instance), whether a disagreement damages or strengthens a relationship is largely dependent on the approach we take to it.

What is productive conflict?

Productive conflict is conflict which leads to benefits such as gaining new insights, uncovering important information, solving problems, or learning about our communication habits in a way that leads to improvement.

Productive conflict simply means we have gained something useful from the disagreement. Perhaps we learned something new about ourselves, the other person, or the relationship. Perhaps we uncovered the source of an ongoing issue and figured out how to solve it. Or maybe it all went completely sideways, but we took the time to understand why, and put things in place to ensure we do better next time.

Why most conflict is not productive.

When people disagree, often both parties are insistent they are right, and are primarily focused on convincing the other party this is the case. A common pattern then emerges; Person A states their opinions and Person B, feeling the need to defend their own position, disagrees and states their own position. Person A is triggered to defend their own position, so rather than acknowledging or attempting to understand the position of Person B, they restate their own opinion. Person B does the same, and around we go.

The problem is, the longer our position goes unacknowledged, the more defensive and frustrated we become, and the more forcefully we try to get our own views across. As the conversation continues, levels of frustration and the perceived need to defend oneself rise, and the level of openness to hearing each other declines.

How does one engage in ‘Productive Conflict’ then?

We maintain a focus on finding a resolution, rather than on who is "right"

Often in disagreements our responses are emotion driven; we say what feels good or satisfying in the moment, and feel justified in this (because of course, we’re right). The problem is that generally we both feel that we’re right, or else we wouldn’t be arguing. Accepting that we both have different views, but we need to find a solution we’ll both be happy with, helps keep the focus on solving the issue at hand, whether this means a compromise, agreeing to disagree, or acknowledging irreconcilable differences.

We maintain a focus on what we need, rather than on why the other person is wrong for behaving the way they do

Although there are circumstances where behaviours are objectively unhealthy or wrong (again, we’re talking physical or emotional abuse), much of the time things are more subjective. You might feel the housework should be split 50/50 even though I make more money, because we both work equal hours in our job. I might feel that because I provide substantially more financial resources, I shouldn’t have to do as much housework. This is not really about who is right, it’s about us having different views or needs. This of course does not mean you have to agree it’s OK for me to refuse to help around the house. It means letting me know that you need more help, and that you’re not comfortable with the current arrangement. It’s about making an agreement we’re both genuinely happy with, rather than deciding who is right.  

We maintain a focus on acknowledging each other’s opinions, emotions, and needs (and really trying to understand these) before we disagree or try to get our own opinions across

Jamming my opinion down your throat and telling you you’re wrong is probably not going to change your mind. It’s likely to make you feel like your opinion is unimportant to me, and make you more defensive. Acknowledging and attempting to understand where you’re coming from, before trying to explain my own position, is far more likely to make you open to really listening to me. This does not mean I have to agree with your opinions, I just need to acknowledge how things look from your perspective.

We understand that unless a solution is truly acceptable to both of us, it won’t be sustainable, so we genuinely want to learn more about the other person.

Forcing me to agree not to stay out late drinking, for example, when I don’t really agree, is not going to make me stop doing it in the long-term. Conversely, if I refuse to stop, you’re  not going to change your mind, and you’re going to keep hassling me about it. When it comes down to it, we both have different wants and needs that aren’t going to go away. The focus needs to be on finding out why and how this issue is important for each of us, so we can find a sustainable resolution we’re both happy with.

When things go pear-shaped, we ‘pick through the debris’ to find out what when wrong.

In an ideal world, we’d talk things over calmly and logically every time and there would be no conflict. Sometimes though, emotions get out of hand and we say or do things that make the situation worse, or that create an unnecessarily long and drawn out argument we wish we didn’t have. If this happens, all is not lost. Productive conflict means taking some time afterwards when we’re calm, to look at what made the situation worse, where those responses came from, and what we could have done better. If we can learn something about ourselves that leads to an improvement next time, we can ensure the argument wasn’t for nothing.

We all have disagreements because we’re different people. When it happens, it can serve as an opportunity to learn about ourselves and others, and to improve. That sounds pretty productive to me.