Logic-driven empathy is the use of empathy motivated by the desire to achieve a specific outcome, rather than being solely motivated by compassion. Though the moral reasons to behave empathically should be obvious, we often neglect the practical uses and benefits:

1. Logical empathy reduces psychological and emotional defensiveness and increases receptiveness to different perspectives

For most people, having their thoughts, opinions, attitudes, or behaviours questioned, or receiving criticism, leads to some level of psychological or emotional defensiveness. At some level, we sense someone is challenging something important to us (our beliefs, behaviours, worldview, ego, or sense of self) and we feel the need to protect ourselves. Defensive emotions tend to lead to defensive responses, including trivialising, dismissing, countering, ignoring, or arguing with what has been said. When someone feels defensive, they are more resistant to your perspective, and their level of receptiveness to what you have to say is decreased.

 "receiving criticism leads to some level of psychological defensiveness"

Conversely, when we acknowledge the other person’s perspective in a way that makes them feel genuinely understood (even if we don’t agree with them) we reduce defensiveness and increase receptivity to opposing perspectives. Essentially, if someone can see you’ve considered where they’re coming from before forming your opinion, they’re more likely to listen and take it seriously. By creating a sense of understanding we also create a sense of security: people feel more confident you won’t push for things that won’t work for them because you understand their needs. This reduces the need to self-protect.

2. Logical empathy leads to requests or proposals the other person is more likely to accept

Logic-driven empathy, at its core, is about gathering accurate information. The more information we have about the other person’s wants, needs, and motivations before we make a request for opinion or behaviour change, the more likely that our request will be successful. If you want to convince a person to stop smoking for instance, you can shove the health benefits down their throat for hours with zero success if that person happens to be more motivated by vanity than they are life-span. Had you ascertained this, you may have saved time and increased your chances of success by focusing on the ageing effects of smoking. Similarly, arguing over who does the majority of the housework might be a huge waste of time, if what your partner is really concerned about is whether you appreciate their efforts.

 "Logic-driven empathy, at it's core, is about accurate information gathering".

3. Logical empathy leads to reciprocal empathy (they are more likely to genuinely attempt to see things from your perspective once theirs is acknowledged).

As a result of living in social groups, human beings have evolved to be motivated by reciprocity (that is, we feel compelled to return the favour when someone helps us or gives us something). People are more willing to tell you something about themselves if you tell them a little about yourself, and may be more willing to admit fault if you have already apologised yourself. Whilst arguing with someone’s perspective increases defensiveness and heightens emotions, generally acknowledging and listening to someone’s perspective will decrease defensiveness and reduce the intensity of emotions. If we acknowledge someone’s position for any length of time, most people will eventually feel the need to reciprocate and acknowledge a portion of your perspective as well.

4. Logical empathy saves time.

Regardless of whether you believe yourself to be right in a given conversation, most people don’t respond well to being told they’re wrong (would you prefer to hear “no, that’s not the case, you don’t do anything around here”, or “I get that you’re feeling overwhelmed at work, it sounds incredibly stressful. I’m feeling overwhelmed as well”?). We know that arguing with someone or criticising them before acknowledging their position tends to lead to increased defensiveness, counterattacks, trivialising, ignoring and dismissing. We tend to end up arguing in a circle, with each person pitching their position to someone who is waiting to pitch their own point rather than listening to the other’s. We don’t get anywhere, and end up wasting hours in an argument (or in recurring arguments) that don’t actually go anywhere. Taking the time to listen to them from the outset (even when we find their perspective challenging) saves time in the long-term.

Tips for using logic-driven empathy:

1. Know what you’re trying to achieve before speaking.

Is your goal to just air your emotions and hear your own opinion, or to have them listen to what you’re saying and possibly change their mind? Keep in mind that people will be less likely to listen when they feel attacked, criticised or blamed, and choose your responses accordingly.

2. Listen before speaking.

Before stating your own opinion or requesting a change in attitude or behaviour, find out what their opinion is and why. People are generally more willing to hear your opinions when they feel you’re willing to hear theirs, and the more information you have about what motivates them, the more likely you are to be able to explain your position in a way that will speak to them.

3. Acknowledge their perspective and demonstrate understanding.

It’s not enough to feel you understand them, you have to make them feel understood. This doesn’t mean you have to agree with them. Use phrases like “So from your perspective…” or “So you feel like..”, and state their perspective in your own words to check for accuracy. If they correct you, acknowledge it with phrases like “OK, so it’s more like this…” or “Right, so it isn’t about X, it’s more that Y”.

4. Before responding, ask yourself whether what you’re saying is likely to make them more or less defensive.

Even if you’re right, choosing an empathic response is likely to make them less defensive and more willing to listen than a response which conveys insult, blame, or criticism, or one that trivialises or dismisses their point.

Empathy doesn’t have to be about gazing into one another’s eyes, or agreeing. It’s about being clear about what you are trying to achieve and choosing your responses accordingly.